I miss him. I feel pathetic about it but I do. Everything in my life is slowly coming together. I’m moving forward little by little… but I still miss him so much. He gave me butterflies, nobody ever gives me butterflies. 

But I got nervous, and I ruined it. His ex started contacting him and we would have been fine if I hadn’t let it get the best of me. I voiced my concerns too early. I shut down too quickly. I prepared for the worst and by doing so I created the worst. 

I miss what we started and what we could have been. I would give anything to have a second chance. But I don’t think I’ll ever have a second chance. I don’t know what will happen now because he’s erased every guy for me. Guys I thought I would always feel something for I feel nothing for. 

I feel confused and lost. 

It seems like after a few days of feeling good or at least better, my body shuts down on me. I was pretty happy 2 hours ago. And then BAM!… I question what the point of everything is. I’m angry and lonely and I don’t know who or what would make me feel better.

It seems so completely ridiculous.

There are key people I feel emotions toward. I usually feel absolute hate and disgust towards my Mom. Which even as I type I know it sounds like a horrible thing. Not to mention the fact that I am not the type of person to hate anyone.

Not that these feelings aren’t warranted. My Mom has practically destroyed our family. She’s cheated on my Dad countless times by meeting people off the internet. It’s been going on, on and off for the past 10 years. My Dad won’t leave her, I think he’s weak and that our family might actually have a fighting chance if they split up. Instead I just feel constant anger towards her. She tries to tell me that what she did doesn’t have to do with how she feels towards us as a Mother. That’s fine, but it changes how I feel towards her as her daughter. She never confessed to anything she did, she was always caught in a lie. Perhaps if she wasn’t such a coward I wouldn’t be so angry at her or maybe if I hadn’t been the one during Thanksgiving break to hear her describe in full detail her latest foursome. Maybe I’d have some shred of respect for her if she hadn’t begged me not to tell my Dad because I  would ruin the family if I did.

The funny thing is that I started to forgive her, I started to feel bad. I realized she was a person that made mistakes and that my Dad was always very controlling. I tried to understand… and then she got caught again, and then again, and then once more. So I don’t care when she apologies anymore or cries. I don’t feel compelled to tell her anything about myself. I tense up instantly when she is around and I cringe when she hugs or kisses me.

It makes me sad that I can’t stand my own Mother. She used to be someone I could go to. Now I feel like I don’t know who she really is.

I think I need to be medicated, but I don’t have health insurance. The funny thing is that I’ve always been against medication for depression or anxiety. In my opinion everyone has to overcome something during their life… terrible parents, poverty, a missing limb, disease. If you aren’t overcoming something then you’re probably not living or growing.

which I also think is terrible, why does there have to be suffering and unhappiness?

Things inside my head have gotten so out of hand, so overwhelming. Even as I type I’m short of breath, my heart is beating strange and I have an overwhelming urge to get in my car and drive for a very long time to a place where none of my thoughts can catch up to me.