It seems like after a few days of feeling good or at least better, my body shuts down on me. I was pretty happy 2 hours ago. And then BAM!… I question what the point of everything is. I’m angry and lonely and I don’t know who or what would make me feel better.

It seems so completely ridiculous.

There are key people I feel emotions toward. I usually feel absolute hate and disgust towards my Mom. Which even as I type I know it sounds like a horrible thing. Not to mention the fact that I am not the type of person to hate anyone.

Not that these feelings aren’t warranted. My Mom has practically destroyed our family. She’s cheated on my Dad countless times by meeting people off the internet. It’s been going on, on and off for the past 10 years. My Dad won’t leave her, I think he’s weak and that our family might actually have a fighting chance if they split up. Instead I just feel constant anger towards her. She tries to tell me that what she did doesn’t have to do with how she feels towards us as a Mother. That’s fine, but it changes how I feel towards her as her daughter. She never confessed to anything she did, she was always caught in a lie. Perhaps if she wasn’t such a coward I wouldn’t be so angry at her or maybe if I hadn’t been the one during Thanksgiving break to hear her describe in full detail her latest foursome. Maybe I’d have some shred of respect for her if she hadn’t begged me not to tell my Dad because I  would ruin the family if I did.

The funny thing is that I started to forgive her, I started to feel bad. I realized she was a person that made mistakes and that my Dad was always very controlling. I tried to understand… and then she got caught again, and then again, and then once more. So I don’t care when she apologies anymore or cries. I don’t feel compelled to tell her anything about myself. I tense up instantly when she is around and I cringe when she hugs or kisses me.

It makes me sad that I can’t stand my own Mother. She used to be someone I could go to. Now I feel like I don’t know who she really is.